Waiting for today...

Wednesday, March 21

Friday the 2nd: Etcetera


desperately needing to get on a writing schedule but I'm spending so much time on social media

as a matter of fact, I need to get on schedule with a lot of shit: reading, cooking, required education for work, emails... 

speaking of cooking, I'm so ridiculously bored with food which is taking a toll on my well-being but more so on my wallet

the PayPal pre-paid Mastercard is helping me stay on track but I still don't have a handle on my budget... 4 days to pay day, I'm down to my last 5 bucks

flirting with the idea of ditching Google+ 'cause Google has turned me all the way off with it's confession of tracking search's even with tracking disabled. what the hell else are they tracking on my android?

performance eval was great despite my barely holding on last year. but my manager says I need to work quicker. So, guess I need to start taking my adderall again

Oh yeah, #wakandaforever

Monday, February 12

Where Am I? Tired & Back to "Waiting"

Early in my therapy, I continued to be adamant against medication. I remember my therapist asking "aren't you tired?”. And I was. Very. I realized at that time, I would also need help from a psychiatrist to get myself to a level of functioning to begin to put my life back together. Well, I'm tired again. Despite the Lamictal & Effexor. The Adderall? Usually gets me through an eight hour work day.  Although I'm seriously considering taking it daily so I can do more than just lay in bed on my days off. 

Symptoms of celiac disease include depression, fatigue & difficulty concentrating. Psychological disorders often mimic physiological ones and both can be misdiagnosed independent of each other. Due to overlapping signs & symptoms it's difficult pinning down the underlying disease. Could celiac disease be the underlying one? I mean, who knows how long I've been gluten intolerant. Not having severe symptoms, I could’ve naively been chalking it up to food poisoning, hangover, too much fast food, being lazy, unhappy or depressed. 

Or could it be the "endometrioma" my doctor is urging me to have removed before the end of the year?  Could it actually be a teratoma?  In my research of this possibility, I found tetratomas can also contain intestinal-type tissues. In such a case, the immune system will attack the intestine as well as the alien teratoma. It is certainly a wild theory! But another incentive to move forward with the procedure to have it removed sooner than later, despite being terrified. 


Yup! You read right: almost two years ago.

I've never had surgery.  I'm terrified but something's gotta give. I'm feel like a shell of myself again. Just drifting through life and sounding like a broken record while doing it. It seems as though no matter how many steps I take forward, I get pushed back a few more. This time is different. THIS time I've step in glue and having to fiddle myself loose which is wearing me all the way the fuck out. Physically, mentally & emotionally. 

All out of ideas, I think I just need more time. The only option would be to cut my hours. Except the last thing I need is financial stress. So many of us have succumb to the darkest of places in the pit of depression because of it. And I need to pay my housekeeper and my launderer. I need to eat fresh and mostly organic foods which means my ass has to cook more too. There are co-pays for specialists, an upcoming market increase on rental properties, and there's still student loans and a credit card that needs to be paid off before the 0% apr expires. 

At least I HAVE a housekeeper. I don't know what I would do without them.  Their boss is a little bit all over the place but so am I.  I also don't know what I would do without my launderer, an islander' who has swiftly become a kindred spirit. My therapist paid for with insurance that'll still be active even if I should decide to cut my hours.  

So, with help, I'm wearily pushing through. The emphatic word being "wearily".



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Tuesday, December 12

Krazy

My heroes have the heart, to lose the life I’d wanna live… and all I remember
is thinking, I want to be like them…”
Crazy, Gnarls Barkley



Yup! I remember when I almost lost my mind. It was late 2013 and it wasn't even pleasant. Fours years and a lot of introspection later, I'm going on two years since my last mood swing. It hasn't been easy. And I admit, I had a bit of a scare earlier in the fall. But that amounted to much of nothing after I decided to stay Roads side for my yearly vacation. During that time I got plenty of rest, was able to clear my head and remember the fight I started fours years ago was far from over. Now that my physical health is on the mend, I feel confident again to pick up my mantle. Shake off the dust and continue the good fight. Not only for the mentality ill across our nation, but also for people of color. All the while I pursue the person I am and work to become the person I want to be.  

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Wednesday, August 16

Community: National Counseling Group



Despite the “national” in National Counseling Group, this organization only serves the state of Virginia.  With a broad range of services to meet the needs of their clients they were also ranked one of the best places to work in the Richmond region in 2015. Using their C.A.R.E. approach, they provide behavioral healthcare services to individuals & families in both the outpatient & in-home setting.  However, if they aren’t able to provide the services themselves, they will put clients in contact with other community providers and in some cases cover any costs in an effort facilitate timely care.  An additional bonus: training programs are available to professionals beyond the organization.


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Thursday, July 27

Feeling... Discouraged



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“... I've vowed in moments like these I would remain silent. To make any other
choice would also be to choose to once again pressure myself to be someone I
can’t.” For more about me outside of my struggle with mental illness, and now
celiac disease, visit me here on Google Plus…”


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Thursday, May 11

Can't Have Nice Things


"Finally, I was accepting and came to see the obvious: if I didn’t learn how to take care of myself, I would have no chance to enjoy life at all. At this point, I just need a little time and a lot of practice." - excerpt from Where I Am: A Time Before Fifteen


Well so much for that.  It's 3 a.m.*   And I can't sleep.  As a matter of fact, I haven't slept well for the last few days and I’m becoming unhinged.  Without a doubt it’s because my body is still fighting the gluten attack from Sunday.  I've even taken Benadryl!  Which I never do if I don't have to work.  I’m desperate now.  I was so happy and relieved when the diagnosis came down: celiac disease.  And I've felt great since being gluten-free!  But lucky me, there’s always a risk of cross-contamination and it must’ve happened.


I've lost 30 pounds the last three months or so; five pounds since Sunday. I've taken care of myself as best I could this week.  But it's so hard.  I'm almost always more exhausted than usual which is in part due to only being able to tolerate sips of clear liquids.  Equally frustrating is the fogginess that prevents me from doing things that require any amount of concentration.  That means no reading, no writing, no arithmetic, no peace.  


Just kidding about the math.  So not kidding about all the shit that I want to do that I can't: finishing my puzzle, getting through my reading list, learning more about my craft, my people, my lord & savior, being an encouragement to others like me.  I just don't have the mental or emotional stamina for anything!


Let's talk about that!  I haven't been able to take my meds consistently with these attacks.  I worry specifically about Lamictal and Effexor. Effexor I have to take with food.  Well, I haven't eaten anything since Sunday morning.  I don't have to take my Lamictal with food but, getting down that big ass chalky pill is damn near impossible right now.  


So what then?  Are my blood levels so low the medication is no longer therapeutic?  Twelve months without a major mood swing but now I fear falling.  Depression is widely known and heavily documented to eventually accompany chronic physical illness.  What's next beyond a mood swing?  I’m already content to not waking up most days.  Is ideation closer now?    

I just feel so hopeless.  Helpless.  Seems like for every step I take forward, I fall back several more.  My life is a mess again…

* Thursday, January 14th, 2017


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Tuesday, March 7

Tuesday the 14th*: Here


One month out…
from last flair and some meaningful time off recently, I'm finally getting my life back on track.  Oil change, therapy, dental, etc. appointments are being made and my housekeeper is coming on Friday.


Unfortunately…
the cyst on my ovary is the same size as it was 4 months ago. After a follow-up ultrasound, my GynDoc believes it to be endometriotic and not hemorrhagic. I've chosen to follow-up for another ultrasound this summer before deciding on surgery.  Still no pain and hoping it stays that way.


I haven’t been able…
to do too many of the things that relax me though.  I think the last relaxing thing I did, besides sleep all day, was a massage about a month ago.  Maybe some coloring here and there but mostly just laying in bed: sleeping, watching TV or both.


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I have managed…
to take care of my hair these last few months.  Surprisingly.  I kept it simple though: wash, moisturize and air dry for the most part.  Three flat twists when I had the energy.  But mostly headbands and bobby pins.  Sad to say I don’t know what a mani/pedi is anymore though.

These last 4 months…
have wreaked havoc on my skin. But even before that it seemed as though I hit a plateau. Since it had been just about a year since starting the tretnoin, I crawled back to my DermDoc and she added aczone.  It’s already working!.


Work, rather my confidence…
as a professional, is better.  Having 2 consecutive days off without doctor's appointments surely helped.  I got to clear my mind.  Put things in perspective.  We haven’t been over capacity the last week or so either.  A much need break for the entire facility.


*February

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