Waiting for today...: Putting the Pieces Together: Where I Am, Part 2

Tuesday, March 4

Putting the Pieces Together: Where I Am, Part 2

… my personal breakthroughs and relationships

My therapist really hit a nerve during one session.  She asked me what I was getting out of holding on to all the resentment and bitterness.  I thought that she was inferring that I was to blame for my misery; as if everyone that has ever hurt or disappointed me didn't have to be accountable for their actions.  Just the thought of it made me angry.  Except in that moment, I didn't suppress that anger and I came to realize I was actually angry at myself for denying who I was in order to be accepted by all those people.  I wanted to belong so badly that I became whoever I had to in order to avoid rejection.  Years of thinking that I was not good enough and trying to be someone else resulted in an ambiguous identity and a poor self-concept.

Easily influenced by the majority, I am in jeopardy of a co-dependent mentality ruining future relationships. But I’m not too hard on myself.  I cannot be responsible for the adults in my life that had the responsibility of helping me to channel my anger, of encouraging me to establish my own identity, of helping me to foster a positive self-concept as a child.  Not completely upset about the seasons of disappointment, however.  Whether I like it or not, they have added favorable aspects to my life.  I’m just grateful that I have come to realize the damages sooner than later in order to heal and forgive.  And I’m so eager to learn!

To foster an identity and a positive self-concept, I have to pay attention to how I feel and get used to trusting my instincts, my experience and my logic to formulate my own opinions; and be confident in them.  When I do look to other people for advice, I cannot internalize their opinions and beliefs as my own and make decisions based on them. People can have their opinions but I can cordially disagree.   Coming to this conclusion has helped me to open up about what I’m going through and not worry about being understood and validated; both of which I’ve had a strong need for up until now.

… my faith
If the greatest commandment is that of love (Matthew 22:26-40), I don’t feel very loving.  At the height of my irritability, I stayed away from the assembly.  I had to be honest with myself: I just didn't have the energy to push through my misery anymore and I didn't want to be a stumbling block to anyone.  But, I've been avoidant of personal worship as well, which means in addition to not participating in the breaking of bread, I have not been living by the word of God and praying; all of which Christ taught.  After a few weeks of absence, I realized that my being easily influenced is a direct barrier to my relationship with God.  There’s no sincerity and truth (John 4:24) in following Christians instead of following Christ.  The first step in a person’s life who would desire a relationship with God is faith (Hebrews 11:6).  Where is my faith?  Once again, I found it in people.  But faith comes by hearing the word of God (Romans 10:17).  Thankfully I have begun to read His word again.  I have yet to return to my personal studies but I am eager to begin and from scratch.

… my career
My hours: the thorn in my side, still suck.  Worse, lately, is alternating between the ER and the hospital.  It’s great to break up the monotony from time to time but not spending a significant amount of time in the hospital makes those days long and seemingly unproductive.  I expect things to get better, however.  We are continuing to roll out a software program that will make documentation more thorough but less time consuming.  In addition, my hours will be changing to twelve hour shifts which means more days off during the week; more leisure time and more time to learn my craft.  Because I’ve just been existing and not living, I haven’t been taking advantage of the free learning opportunities available to me.  I’ve been in case management for 2 ½ years but there is still so much to learn.

… conclusion
Where to from here?  I‘m starting over from square one.  I’ve done a good job breaking through the walls of victimhood that I’ve burrito’ed myself in for the last 20 years.  Next is the task of trying to make sense of it all.  As I go through this process, I know that not everyone in my life will be supportive.  But that’s okay.  That’s what boundaries are for. And I will define and redefine boundaries as needed.  No regrets.
“Depression” (2) con’t: …When I’m at home, that is in Philly, I am an almost different person.  When I was in Virginia, I was not myself.  It was wonderful.  Then who is the real me?  Is she hiding or is she who I see every morning when I look in the mirror?  This will soon become my mission: finding… my true self, so that I can start living. ~ December 2005

Well it’s about damn time…