Waiting for today...: Pressing On: Where I Am, Part 2

Sunday, June 22

Pressing On: Where I Am, Part 2

con't: ...Part 1

I am putting this patience into practice by being more cognizant of those instances in which I pressure myself and in those moments asking myself “why the insistence?”  The answer I most often receive is related to the  expectations held over me from past relationships, an issue I’m sure I’ve touched on previously.
I’m heavy laden as I continue in my process as those expectations remain connected to the people who declared them; the people being a focal point of my resentment.   While I cannot separate the person from the relationship, I can no longer plague my relationships with the remembrance of those unrealistic, unfair burdens.  Trouble is, I don't know how without separating myself.
In the meantime, I continue to accept my condition; my condition being so much greater than the depression itself.  I’ve come to such a healthy place of acceptance that I’ve invited several loved one’s to follow along on my journey, including my mom.  Deep breath in… exhale.
my faith...
A short time before He was put to death, Jesus warned Peter of the enemies desired to have him that he may try his faith (Luke 22:31-32).  That Jesus would pray for him, that he would not lose his faith, must have been comforting knowledge for Peter.  Faith protects (Ephesians 6:16).  Faith is necessary (Hebrews 11:6).  And so is prayer (Philippians 4:6, 1 John 5:14-15).
Communication is vital to every relationship.  God communicates with us through the scriptures (Hebrews 1:1-2).  We communicate with Him in prayer.  Another area in which I am failing.  I rarely set aside time to earnestly pray. Barriers I set up for myself include “I don’t know what to say”, saying the same prayers over and over again, placing my faith in the belief of others and the most despised "you're not doing it right".
It is vital that I strengthen these foundations: faith and prayer.  I've found encouragement and knowledge through online preaching’s and teachings. Between these and the Word of God, I receive enough faith to keep me hopeful.  In regards to prayer, I’ve said it in the past: fake it til you make it.  That is, continue to approach the throne of God, day by day overcoming my fear, until my maturity in the faith brings with it real confidence.  
my career...
I can honestly say I am less enthusiastic about my career as I have been in previous years.  I thank God often that I am no longer at the bedside.  However, at this stage in my life continuing to climb the corporate ladder is more of a bother.  A threat even, to my mental wellness.  Working harder professionally means having to work even harder to maintain balance between mind, body and spirit.  Thinking about the mandatory certification exam for case management alone throws me into a panic.
Although my motivation at work waxes and wanes, I do enjoy my job.  The long awaited change in hours has helped.  Interactions with patients uplift me.  I feel accomplished when I am able to make near impossible arrangements for those with complex cases.  The additional distraction of busy work certainly keeps my mind occupied.  On the other hand, I equally enjoy returning home at the end of the day.

I’m thankful that I’ve come as far as I have since the dreadful closure of 2013, even since February of this year.  While I have so much farther to go, I’m hopeful for what will be the end result.   I’m weary of the risk of falling into old patterns but I profit nothing by rushing this process.   I will also profit nothing without strengthening my relationship with God.  I’m not going to make it the rest of the way without him (John 15:5).

“Till I become what he wants me to be, yeah, I press…”
I Press by Fred Hammond & Radical for Christ