Waiting for today...: I've Decided

Thursday, November 13

I've Decided

It’s been a year since I decided I didn’t want to be in denial anymore.  A year since I sat nervously in the waiting room of the psychiatrist’s office, waiting for my first therapy session.  Searching the faces in the room hoping to not see a familiar one. About a month later, I got my first prescription for a mood stabilizer.  Later, an antidepressant.  It’s been a long year and I’ve learned so much about my condition; about myself.  Yet as this recent episode of acute depression has passed, it is evident I’ve only scratched the surface.
It will also be a year in December since I decided to start blogging again.  Actually, I toyed with the idea for a couple of months before coming to a decision.  I hesitated as I remembered the fate of my blogs in the past but moved forward when I came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter:  I was only going to write for me.  Of course this didn’t stop me from exploring the blogosphere for other mental health blogs.  After joining the community at PsychCentral, I became aware that there may be a place for me and my story.
I’ve noticed that many bloggers have been living with and battling their illness for years.  I thought maybe I could lend to the perspective of a person who is just beginning the long journey to wellness.   A perspective that would include a view of the many challenges, stumbles, even successes and breakthroughs that we all have faced as we finally decided to take on our illness.  Laying claim to our lives once again.  Or at least that’s what I thought.  Even though it went against the initial premise of my wanting to blog again.  Fear of failure had me conflicted and indecisive.     
So again, I've been here for a year.  I know there is a place for me and my story.  But since December, I’ve be straddling the fence about what I want this place to be.  Its somewhat distant mood whispers to “stay away”.  Its choppiness has secretly created an air of confusion.  Other than myself and a few chosen loved ones it wasn’t published to attract any attention.  If someone else read it I thought, “that’s cool”.  If no one read it I thought, “that’s fine”.  Perhaps it is this need to draw people near but at the same time protect my fragility that has kept me conflicted.  And maybe that's why I feel like I could never fit in.   Or why I only a few months ago began making a real effort to connect with others in the community.   
I have always valued the ability of some who keep in mind the bigger picture. The bigger picture in this instance being the unfortunate level of mental health illiteracy in this country.  Sadly, I would be part of the problem and not the solution if I did not use my blog to at least help raise awareness.  So, I’ve come to a final a decision.  Instead of closing my Blogger account and going into a virtual isolation.  Instead of silencing myself and becoming a mere spectator in the fight against illiteracy and stigma associated with mental illness, I’ve gone about the business of making Waiting for today more… personable, intimate and fluid.
With this I hope to not only make friends in the mental health community but to also be more of an advocate.  Having a fear of rejection and failure will make it challenging in terms of putting myself out there in greater display. Even when I’m not depressed I tend to keep myself in a little hiding place.  All tucked away from the unpleasant things that come with having to be outside myself.  But isn’t attaining mental wellness about finding the courage to come out of our comfort zone?  To forsake the darkness and step into the light?

related: Why A Blog?