Waiting for today...: The Endless Fray

Sunday, December 7

The Endless Fray

Freely discussing my illness with loved ones is at times liberating.   It brings encouragement to break free of the bonds of fear that has long had hold of me.  At other times I find myself wanting to run for cover.  It is at the point in the conversation in which I suddenly realize I've misjudged the receiver’s ability to receive what I've chosen to disclose.  Then the opposite becomes true: I become discouraged and unwilling to ever open up to them or anyone else again.  Dreadfully non-therapeutic.
It’s beyond sad to hear and to read of the many instances in which people are further antagonized by those making an effort to sympathize.  Scary is those that lack the insight or awareness to quit while they’re ahead of themselves.  They get caught up in their own passions laying waste any bit of confidence brought to the conversation. This was, again, my experience.
I returned to the assembly mid-October after being away for two months due to my most recent acute depressive episode.  Happy to be among my brothers and sisters in Christ, I was ready to once again pick up my cross and follow Him.  But as I spoke to a couple of the members on one particular Lord's Day, I was again reminded how many times I would be knocked backward in my many attempts to share this burden. "Everybody has mood disorder”... “we all have periods of anxiety and depression”... bulls in a china shop.  When these things were said to me, the first thing I thought was:  well, I guess that means I have nothing to worry about.
Will they ever feel the sorrow and the heaviness I carry around every day?  Or feel the pressure to believe the lies that are spoken to me when no one is speaking?  Or how taxing it is to have the same scenes of disparagement and betrayal play before my eyes over and over and over again?  Intrusive.  Unrelenting.  Crippling.  They could... understand.  The pessimism tells me they won’t,  they can't,  they simply don’t know how.    
Later, I would sympathize: maybe it was their way of telling me that I was not alone. Unfortunately, their delivery didn’t allow them to stick the landing.  So, here then appears another burden.  I am herded in with everyone else with the expectation to carry on as they do because one size fits all. Left to die inside.  Not feeling.  Dared not to speak.  Chalking it up to "life".  Everyone else does it...
I don’t believe that the brother and sister I chose to share with feels that way.  They simply fell short in the way that many others do.  All intentions aside.  I'm learning that as we call upon our own experiences, our own beliefs, feelings, etc. we unintentionally minimize the hardships of others with injurious results.  Why should anyone have to suffer because of another grown person's surrender to ignorance?  

Maybe it's my cross to bear...  

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