Waiting for today...: February 2015

Friday, February 20

Friday the 13th: A Slow Start...

The Port Lucaya Marketplace in Freeport Bahamas

Seven days off in the last nine… the Lord knew I needed it.  I took the liberty to not do too much.  I cleaned the kitchen a bit.  I took the trash out.  Did some laundry.  After a dental procedure last Friday, I didn’t feel like doing much anyway.  I was uncomfortable from the pain and swelling and weak from lack of nutritionally dense meals.

Felt better yesterday and much better today.
After a bumpy start this year, I determined to have a great year.  Consistent self-care is still losing the battle to my busy mind.  I believe it will continue to lose until I get back to some sort of baseline.  While my enthusiasm to live a fuller life is with me.  But  it has also been flirting with procrastination.  
As the week comes to a close, I wonder if this week would’ve been more productive if it hadn’t been for Friday.  
I can’t say.  I’ve just got to look ahead.

Sunday, February 8

Reaching Out

The last year or so has officially been placed in the top five of the most difficult times in my life.   A lot of revelations about myself in that time and with that, a lot of changes taking place.  As the process continues, it isn’t getting too much easier.  But thank God for Jesus! As I learn to draw closer to Him, hope and peace meets me at the most difficult moments. He comforts me and reminds me of His promises.   And that’s more than enough to propel me steadily forward.  If any of you are feeling a bit ignored, I do apologize.  It is not at all my intention.  My day-to-days seem at times to be an impossible balancing act these days. Along with that I am most fragile.  “Social” + “media” is too much to handle any more so Facebook doesn’t stand a chance.  And if I am to be honest with myself, socializing alone has always been a bit of a challenge at times.  But I do miss the quirkiness, memes, encouragements, plain ol’ randomness and the peek I get into your lives through shared pictures on Facebook.  I appreciate any and all prayers and thoughts for me, including all of my birthday wishes (how many months later?).   As God continues to work on my heart I’ll be better equipped to love more fully… more perfectly.  In the meantime I strive to do the best I can and will continue to.  I love you all greatly.  And for those that I don’t see often, I miss you greatly as well.” ~ Facebook Post to the members of both assembly’s, July 2014

Related: Found & Lost...

Friday, February 6

A Time Before Fifteen: Where I Am, Part 1

… my mood
For the last couple of months my mood has been normal to moderately-high. I haven’t had any high-high’s since being on Lamictal.  The downside?  Things aren’t getting done as quickly as I’d like. In any case, I’m content with life. I’m learning the importance of slowing down, doing what I can and delighting in it as opposed to becoming disgruntled by what I am not able to do.
Before January 15th, I consistently kept my bathroom and kitchen clean. Thank God for a dishwasher! Although, I admit that I am slow to empty it.  Then dishes pile up in the sink all over again. Thank God for disposable flatware, tableware and glassware!  I also began to recycle again which has always made me feel less anxious about my carbon footprint.
I even took my home care a step further more recently by clearing the clothes off my bed. An accomplishment seeing as though I hadn’t slept in my bed since the summer because of the clutter.  Keeping with clutter, I also came up with a system for all the paperwork and mail that has accumulated over the last year: I started making good use of my shredder again putting it near the inside entrance to my front door.  I started checking my mail once per week, separating the junk mail and shredding right away.  I’ve purchased a jumbo expanding file folder to organize paperwork by month and at the end of each year, I’ll get rid of what I don’t need.   
Seems simple enough!  I’m slowly taking steps to conquer the c.h.a.o.s.
… my treatment
I continue to see my therapist and my psychiatrist on a routine basis. The frequency still depends on my mood.  If I’m acutely depressed, I see my therapist once per week. Once my mood has stabilized, I see her less and less: once every two weeks to once every three to once per month.  Due to an unexpected cancellation recently, I hadn’t seen her in two months.  My psychiatrist, on the other hand, I see every three months unless there is a medication adjustment.  If this is the case, I will see her or the PA once a month and as needed.
… my personal breakthroughs and relationships
Until now, I haven’t thought to mention why I have connected these two together: personal breakthroughs, relationships. The simplest answer is that my relationships have had such an unusually profound effect on me well into adulthood resulting in significant developmental setbacks. Those setbacks being emotional and spiritual.  With that being said, I don’t have anything else to say about my relationships except that I have been making a greater effort to strengthen bonds with the members of the assembly.  I haven’t decided yet whether my lack of words here is good or bad…
The greatest breakthrough that I’ve had in the last four months has been the realization that self-care must become an habitual part of everyday life.  At first was the “ah-ha” moment. Then, I became frustrated because I felt my chances to enjoy a new life would have to fade into the background, become nonexistent even!  Finally, I was accepting and came to see the obvious: if I didn’t learn how to take care of myself, I would have no chance to enjoy life at all.  At this point, I just need a little time and a lot of practice.  

To get myself moving along, I added more to my mood survival list.  I’ve also completed a few activity charts to help me to incorporate them into my daily routine depending on which way my mood swings. To be honest I haven’t been all that successful as of late.  But I greatly esteem having taken so many steps forward since the close of 2013: identifying and planning is a promising start.
In continuing to build my mood survival list, I gave into the evidence of how crucial diet and exercise is to mood stability.  These days the process of meal planning and working out is extremely overwhelming.  If eating well means having to plan, shop, prep, cook and clean-up, I’d rather eat out.  And if being physically fit means having to get ready to go to the gym, eat just enough to get through the routine but not too much to make me want to puke, getting there, wiping down machines, warming up, cooling down, stretching, properly hydrating during and after the routine, getting the right nutrients after the routine, blah, blah, blah… please shoot me.   
My solution to help get me off the diet and exercise not-so-merry-go-round was to join Jenny Craig.  Not only will they feed me but they will also coach me toward long-term healthy eating.  And the most significant thing that I’ve learned since joining that will stick with me for-ever pertains to exercise: “moving more” counts as “exercise”!  Whether it’s taking a leisure 10 to 15 minute walk around the neighborhood a few times a week, taking the stairs at work instead of the elevator, parking at the far end of the parking lot during shopping trips or popping in Just Dance on the Wii… it’s still moving!  And it counts!