Waiting for today...: April 2015

Tuesday, April 28

A Time Before Fifteen: Where I Am, Part 2

cont’d from ...Part 1
… my faith
It has always had to endure bumps and bruises.  According to a message I've heard recently titled “Building a Lasting Faith, if we allow adversity to strengthen our faith, we will have the type of faith that lasts.   Well, I simply don’t know how to do that.  Depression brings hopelessness.   There can be no faith without hope. Yet I somehow still end up blaming myself.  Then I hide my face from my God just as Adam and Eve hid themselves in the garden.  Some faith.
But today, I’m happy to say that I’m in an okay place spiritually. I say “okay” because the guilt and shame that has often kept me from prayer has yet to lose its power over me. Despite this, the more I read and study, the more I come to know God and the more I’m learning to trust him.  I'm confident that with  belief and trust, both components of faith, I will tear down the guilt, shame and fear for good… in time. Meanwhile, however, I refuse to be a discourager of myself.  I must learn to show the same compassion and patience to myself as I am charged to show others.  
Since my last real update I have finished reading the Bible in its entirety for the second time. I’ve since moved back to my survey of the New Testament books, specifically the Gospel of Matthew.  Well, the first quarter of it anyway as it is a hefty book to get through.  I’ve also found additional encouragement in other brothers and sisters in Christ both at home and across the nation via online forums and chats.
Yeah… I can confidently say I’m in a pretty okay place.
… my career
Is at a standstill and to no surprise,  I am beyond content with that.  It means less stress and a greater appreciation for a simpler life.   As I mentioned at an earlier time, I have less ambition these days.  I do enjoy what I do and I am living more than comfortably on my income.  But there is no stopping the corporate money train.  Yup, healthcare is a business.  

Enter system wide mandatory certification for nurses across all disciplines!  It's no surprise to me I failed that exam.  I planned to start my preparation a few months ahead of it.  However, depression had me subdued before I even began.  Always needing a month or two after an acute episode to return to some sort of baseline left me with approximately two weeks to a month to prepare.  

Wasn't happening!  I made the conscience decision not to worry about it.  Yet, I kept the December appointment, did the very best I could, remained positive... and failed.  The bright side?  I’m now familiar with the style of the test, my exam results told me the areas in which I need further study and I actually have until the end of this year to pass.  Also, thanks to a my wonderful colleague, I now have sample questions to help guide my study.  
… conclusion
With optimism I can say that I’ve bounced back from the Aug-Oct episode and with more clarity.  I have re-prioritized my priorities, my transformation will continue and I’m hopeful for the new year.  A year of... living, as opposed to just being alive.  

I went on a rant a few months ago about not being able to give much attention to the things I enjoy. Well, I’ve given that a second thought.  As long as I am taking care of myself nothing should be off limits for me.  I just have to continue to be cognizant of my limits and confidently work within in them until I reach optimal wellness.  

Tuesday, April 14

Friday the 10th: Sunny with the Chance of Optimism

Sleep in peace when day is done: that's what I mean… And this old world is a new world and a bold world for me...
I’m Feeling Good, Nina Simone

Vacationing my way taught me three things about traveling:
1. It doesn’t have to feel like work
2. I can return home feeling re-energized and motivated
3. I need to do it more often
For in the first time in like.. ever, I didn’t dread returning to work.  With the exception of an annoying case earlier in the week… it’s honestly been a great week!
And at home? I think I’ve been more productive in the last three days than in the last three months. Seriously… no kidding.
Unfortunately though, my to-do list keeps growing and growing… so I need priorities:
Finally tired of all the clutter, I’m determined to tidy all the way up in the next week or so...
Fearing I would certainly fail my certification exam this month, I pushed it back to August and I need to starting studying yesterday…
I have to, have to, have to finish organizing the baptismal log and I’ve barely started!

Most importantly: don’t lose my head!
Further along there are brighter days.  Yet it is paramount for me to continue to sort through the mess that has thrown my life into shambles.  “...finding my words and my way through mental illness and an identity crisis.”  I’ve still got lots more to say.