Waiting for today...: May 2015

Sunday, May 17


By this time last year, I was so in need of a vacation. Unfortunately though, I was in the grip of an acute episode of depression and I couldn’t see clearly enough to plan a vacation much less take one and enjoy it. Adamant to get myself out of Virginia for a time, I began planning my triumphant return to my hometown earlier in the year.
Without the pressure to meet unrealistic expectations adopted as my own so many years ago… without the pressure to put on a facade to either avoid rejection or to quiet perceive naysayers.  My vacation actually felt like... a vacation.  Not a chore.  I didn’t feel pulled in every direction other than the one I desired to go. This time, I was able to enjoy my loved ones on my own terms and with peace.

My week long vacation culminated in Washington D.C. at the annual lectureship retreat for the Christian ladies of the churches of Christ. I was excited! It was the first year I would be in attendance.  Sadly, I would also have to try to stay afloat in the floods of anxiety. Although mild, it was still extremely uncomfortable.  And took all the strength I could muster to keep from losing my head as my personal space was invaded over and over and over again by so many different personalities.
So there I was.  With mixed emotions and a conflicted mood during one of the most encouraging and edifying events I would ever be part of.  An event ripe with opportunity to show love to many of my sisters in the family of God…to allow His love to be completed in me according to 1 John 4:12.   But, in that moment, it was just too much to take on: “I don’t think I have enough to grin and bear for the entire weekend…”  “You need quiet time to keep yourself from crashing…”
See, I am learning to elevate my wellness above all.  But I did not forsake all fellowship.  I just did what I had to do to make sure I was okay.  And if that meant taking some time to be alone, I made it happen.  Sleeping in a bit in the morning, getting back to the room early in the evening for a shower and rest, I did what I had to do.  Having a lovely walk along Rock Creek Trail before hopping a cab to Georgetown...  for fresh air and sunshine, it was what I had to do.  No apologies.  No shame.  Guilt? A little.  I was open to some of the sisters in my congregation about how I was feeling.  To my relief one of them was also in conflict. Guilt was silenced.
My happy ending?
Approximately three months ago I began to plan a trip; a return to my hometown. The excitement leading up to the date was unlike any other.  Love and peace met me in Philadelphia.  And while anxiety aimed to spoil my first experience at the ladies lectureship retreat in Washington D.C.  I still left the capitol edified, encouraged and without regret.

Wednesday, May 13

Friday the 8th: N is for Moody

The Merchants Exchange Building, Philadelphia Pennsylvania


This week and weekend can’t end soon enough…

I may need to enlist my psychiatrist in providing me with whatever necessary documentation to keep them from scheduling me more than three days in a row.   The stakes are high.  Its day five and I want to punch someone out.  Off tomorrow but back on Sunday… uggghhh!!!

Your attention please…
Just because you do not have symptoms of depression doesn’t mean you no longer have depression… you’re welcome.

I like what I do.  It’s just an unending war against the pace and the unrealistic expectations of the acute care setting and I refuse to compromise my mental health.  
I foresee a professional transition…

Tangent… I believe I’m finally learning to avoid the wiles of the people that were once closest to me. That is, I’m no longer hanging onto their every word only to later be disappointed and dejected.  Instead, I’m accepting them.  Not for who they say they are, but for who they “show” me they are.

Sunday, May 3

From Then To Now

Welcome Park in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Well, that was before the 15th.  Today, I feel like I’m hanging in the balance. On the one hand, I’m doing well.  The irony in this is that I have little consistency, even less structure yet my state of mind is the best it's been in… ever, really.  But on the other hand, I'm wary. There is an incoming threat.  
We seem to always have issues with our schedule.  No surprise to me.  But it was last week that those issues threw me into a fit, leaving me irritable and frustrated.  Even now, “I don’t feel like being bothered”, which is not good because it means I’m beginning to isolate.  I don’t know where I’ll be in the next two weeks or so.  But I digress.  

My colleague is going on vacation again.  For the third time this year.   And because we are the only case managers assigned to the ER, I have to cover for her... again.  So of the nine vacation days approved by management, I’m working seven of them.  Not to include the two days I am already  scheduled to work just before her vacation.
If I didn’t know any better I would think management wants me to have another breakdown.    
Yes!  It’s that serious!  Enough to throw my life completely off balance.  Next up for me is a swift spiral down into an acute episode of depression.  I shared that with my team leader this past week.  Shared it with my boss on a previous occasion.  And yet little interest was shown to my great suggestions which would satisfy the needs of the department and keep me from losing my meadow muffins.  For two whole days we worked on that schedule just for me to end up with the short straw.  I knew it was going to be short anyway but it didn’t have to be that short.
So now I’m dreading the coming week.  I’m almost feeling helpless.  As if I have a foot wedged into the crevice of a sea stack, watching a gigantic wave barrel down on me.  My choices seem limited.  I need my job.  All I could manage to say in regard to what became the approved schedule was, “we’ll see what happens”.  But unbeknownst to them, what won’t happen the next time I’m expected to cover a colleague’s vacation… I won’t.