Waiting for today...: Mixed

Sunday, May 17


By this time last year, I was so in need of a vacation. Unfortunately though, I was in the grip of an acute episode of depression and I couldn’t see clearly enough to plan a vacation much less take one and enjoy it. Adamant to get myself out of Virginia for a time, I began planning my triumphant return to my hometown earlier in the year.
Without the pressure to meet unrealistic expectations adopted as my own so many years ago… without the pressure to put on a facade to either avoid rejection or to quiet perceive naysayers.  My vacation actually felt like... a vacation.  Not a chore.  I didn’t feel pulled in every direction other than the one I desired to go. This time, I was able to enjoy my loved ones on my own terms and with peace.

My week long vacation culminated in Washington D.C. at the annual lectureship retreat for the Christian ladies of the churches of Christ. I was excited! It was the first year I would be in attendance.  Sadly, I would also have to try to stay afloat in the floods of anxiety. Although mild, it was still extremely uncomfortable.  And took all the strength I could muster to keep from losing my head as my personal space was invaded over and over and over again by so many different personalities.
So there I was.  With mixed emotions and a conflicted mood during one of the most encouraging and edifying events I would ever be part of.  An event ripe with opportunity to show love to many of my sisters in the family of God…to allow His love to be completed in me according to 1 John 4:12.   But, in that moment, it was just too much to take on: “I don’t think I have enough to grin and bear for the entire weekend…”  “You need quiet time to keep yourself from crashing…”
See, I am learning to elevate my wellness above all.  But I did not forsake all fellowship.  I just did what I had to do to make sure I was okay.  And if that meant taking some time to be alone, I made it happen.  Sleeping in a bit in the morning, getting back to the room early in the evening for a shower and rest, I did what I had to do.  Having a lovely walk along Rock Creek Trail before hopping a cab to Georgetown...  for fresh air and sunshine, it was what I had to do.  No apologies.  No shame.  Guilt? A little.  I was open to some of the sisters in my congregation about how I was feeling.  To my relief one of them was also in conflict. Guilt was silenced.
My happy ending?
Approximately three months ago I began to plan a trip; a return to my hometown. The excitement leading up to the date was unlike any other.  Love and peace met me in Philadelphia.  And while anxiety aimed to spoil my first experience at the ladies lectureship retreat in Washington D.C.  I still left the capitol edified, encouraged and without regret.