Waiting for today...: July 2015

Saturday, July 25

Friday the 24th: Dunno

“Whatever it is, it's just sitting there laughing at me, and I just wanna scream…”
What Now ~ Rihanna

The more time I spend in my head the worse I feel about myself… especially the way I look.  My skin got better but then it got worse because I used the medication incorrectly.  *sigh* f*** my life…  I’m also thinking I want to shed a few pounds.  Don’t know why…
I don’t plan on dating any time soon.
Work this week has been painful.  The message I left for my manager on Monday requesting to have off on Thursday went unanswered: she’s been out of the office for personal reasons. Thank God for the weekend and, surprisingly, my team leader
who has been very supportive this week.
My psychiatrist pissed me off on Monday.  When I told her how I was feeling she said “you look like you’re doing alright to me”.  I would think that she would have access to, and take advantage of, the list of things to not say to someone with depression.  She did, however, change my medication dosing and she referred me to get tested for ADHD.  
*sigh* my testing for ADHD was… nerve… wrecking.  The doctor was very nice but reality hit me.  I had mixed feelings about my choice to get tested.  On one hand, I want to receive the treatment necessary to be well.  On the other hand, I thought to myself, if I am diagnosed, here’s another thing that I have to learn to cope with.

It wasn’t until I was told that the diagnosing process would be a group effort that I began to bawl.  I have to enlist the help of my mom and a friend to complete this process.  Including my friend does not make me anxious; she is a social worker living with mental illness.  
It’s having to include my mom that worries me.  And I may be projecting, which is not fair.
I simply don’t have a strong sense of her views of mental illness.
I guess I’m feeling a bit insecure.  
Nevertheless, it has to be done.  I can’t allow fear and pride to set up any roadblocks.

Tuesday, July 21

Website: Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) is a peer-directed national organization whose primary focus is on depression and bipolar disorder.  I was beyond  impressed on my first visit to the site. There is a myriad of the usual resources: education materials, research, wellness tools and videos, etc.  But there are others, like podcasts, webinars and nationwide support groups.  DBSA helps to neutralize the stigma surrounding mental illness not only by creating a supportive environment but also by celebrating “peers’ accomplishments, including those of the many talented, successful individuals recognized by the public for their contributions to the world”.  They also provide training opportunities for those who wish to be advocates for the mental health community.

Thursday, July 16

Monday the 13th: Swinging Low

When I made an appointment to see my therapist, I would have never thought that days later I would begin a game of teeter totter.  But, here I am.  All I’ve wanted to do the last three days is sleep.  And I have slept.  I’ve also treated myself to lunch and took in quite a few movies to help distract me from this dreaded game.   Not quite feeling as though I had enough downtime, I also dreaded my return to work; discontented by the thought of having to be there.  Which is a bit pathetic since it’s only one shift followed two days off.  

It’s a bit scary.  I haven't felt this way in some time and for so many days in a row.  At this point, I’m trying hard to exaggerate my small triumphs to shield my mind from the harsh self-judgement that often comes with this mood swing.  For instance, I did shower today. Not only did I feed and water the cat, but I also scooped the litter, vacuumed the area around the box and took out the trash.  I was supposed to go to the hair salon for a wash and condition, but after the above I couldn’t bring myself to move off the couch except to eat and toilet.  

Besides the languidness, I've been a tad irritable.  Because of this I’ve been avoidant of people;   choosing to spend more time in my head.  Which means I’m also neglectful of my spiritual needs.   The darkness has found me and is closing in like a shadowy figure on a dimly lit street.  Until it’s upon you, your mind is racked with uncertainty.  Fear.  

Although a whole day away, I’m thankful to God for those two days off.  I’ve got to push myself do some additional self-care in those forty-eight hours: mindfulness meditation, a peaceful walk soaking in some fresh air and sunshine, maybe a soothing evening at the beach.  But as of right now, I just want to sleep.