Waiting for today...: Friday the 24th: Dunno

Saturday, July 25

Friday the 24th: Dunno

“Whatever it is, it's just sitting there laughing at me, and I just wanna scream…”
What Now ~ Rihanna

The more time I spend in my head the worse I feel about myself… especially the way I look.  My skin got better but then it got worse because I used the medication incorrectly.  *sigh* f*** my life…  I’m also thinking I want to shed a few pounds.  Don’t know why…
I don’t plan on dating any time soon.
Work this week has been painful.  The message I left for my manager on Monday requesting to have off on Thursday went unanswered: she’s been out of the office for personal reasons. Thank God for the weekend and, surprisingly, my team leader
who has been very supportive this week.
My psychiatrist pissed me off on Monday.  When I told her how I was feeling she said “you look like you’re doing alright to me”.  I would think that she would have access to, and take advantage of, the list of things to not say to someone with depression.  She did, however, change my medication dosing and she referred me to get tested for ADHD.  
*sigh* my testing for ADHD was… nerve… wrecking.  The doctor was very nice but reality hit me.  I had mixed feelings about my choice to get tested.  On one hand, I want to receive the treatment necessary to be well.  On the other hand, I thought to myself, if I am diagnosed, here’s another thing that I have to learn to cope with.

It wasn’t until I was told that the diagnosing process would be a group effort that I began to bawl.  I have to enlist the help of my mom and a friend to complete this process.  Including my friend does not make me anxious; she is a social worker living with mental illness.  
It’s having to include my mom that worries me.  And I may be projecting, which is not fair.
I simply don’t have a strong sense of her views of mental illness.
I guess I’m feeling a bit insecure.  
Nevertheless, it has to be done.  I can’t allow fear and pride to set up any roadblocks.