Waiting for today...: Monday the 13th: Swinging Low

Thursday, July 16

Monday the 13th: Swinging Low

When I made an appointment to see my therapist, I would have never thought that days later I would begin a game of teeter totter.  But, here I am.  All I’ve wanted to do the last three days is sleep.  And I have slept.  I’ve also treated myself to lunch and took in quite a few movies to help distract me from this dreaded game.   Not quite feeling as though I had enough downtime, I also dreaded my return to work; discontented by the thought of having to be there.  Which is a bit pathetic since it’s only one shift followed two days off.  

It’s a bit scary.  I haven't felt this way in some time and for so many days in a row.  At this point, I’m trying hard to exaggerate my small triumphs to shield my mind from the harsh self-judgement that often comes with this mood swing.  For instance, I did shower today. Not only did I feed and water the cat, but I also scooped the litter, vacuumed the area around the box and took out the trash.  I was supposed to go to the hair salon for a wash and condition, but after the above I couldn’t bring myself to move off the couch except to eat and toilet.  

Besides the languidness, I've been a tad irritable.  Because of this I’ve been avoidant of people;   choosing to spend more time in my head.  Which means I’m also neglectful of my spiritual needs.   The darkness has found me and is closing in like a shadowy figure on a dimly lit street.  Until it’s upon you, your mind is racked with uncertainty.  Fear.  

Although a whole day away, I’m thankful to God for those two days off.  I’ve got to push myself do some additional self-care in those forty-eight hours: mindfulness meditation, a peaceful walk soaking in some fresh air and sunshine, maybe a soothing evening at the beach.  But as of right now, I just want to sleep.