Waiting for today...: Friday the 14th: A Light?

Friday, August 14

Friday the 14th: A Light?

It’s been a week since I had to say goodbye to my furry friend.  It’s getting easier.  With her visits in my dreams and my memories of her mischievousness when I hear the sounds of nighttime… it’s getting easier.  But I still haven’t emptied her litter or picked up her food mat.

My mood seems to be balancing.  I’ve been in my head less over the last… day, and I feel more motivated to bring some order back to my life.  For instance, I finally paid my bills after being close to a month overdue.  Still need to pay 2 month overdue taxes on my car and renew my registration.  

Thought to make a to-do list but decided against after my heart started racing.  I’ll just wing it.  I’m sure whatever I get done today will more than I’ve been able to do in the last 4 weeks.  I’ll take whatever I can get.

Spent most of yesterday obsessing over how unattractive I am.  I was torn between reality and perception.  The reality: when I look at myself in the mirror at home I think I’m uniquely beautiful despite having gained close to 50lbs and struggling with adult acne.  But when I leave the comfort zone of my home, the perception is I feel unpretty.  Unattractive.  I think to myself “no one wants me” and “why should they”.

My mom asked about my test results earlier this week.  I haven’t heard anything.  I guess I won’t until I see my psychiatrist… in another month and a half.  I continued on to tell her how I was feeling: useless… worthless; like I have nothing to contribute to this world.  She said that for all of my life she knew I would do great things.  It made me feel better.  Although that feeling was fleeting.  But better than that, it made me feel confident that I could be a bit open with her about my illness.

In my efforts to be transparent about my illness and how it has affected my life and vice versa, I’ve continued to invite others to read my blog.  The latest is a sister in Christ.  She left a comment on my last post that has brought my attention back to my eternal salvation.  *Sigh*  Enter guilt and shame.