Waiting for today...: Sex, Booze & Hoarding?

Thursday, August 6

Sex, Booze & Hoarding?


Still with acute depression, I’ve fallen heavily into maladaptive coping for maximum distraction.  It feels odd.  Having not done these things in years.  Obviously my faith tapped out early.  I have yet to go to God in prayer or pick up my bible.  Honestly, I feel foolish praying or reading knowing full well I won’t accept the help that comes as a result.  That’s the twisted thinking that comes with seasons like these.  Which is why I’m desperate to keep my mind off it.  Even if it means resorting to debauchery… to maladaptive coping.  Otherwise, I fear that I may find myself an inch away from losing my mind: hysteria, panic attack, impulsivity.  Even self-injury, although I haven’t attempted to harm myself since middle school.  I just get overwhelmingly frustrated at the thought of being here yet again almost two years after starting treatment.  

Yeah, this is a strange one.  So what does it have to do with hoarding?  Me and my colleagues, one a social worker and has worked in mental health for many years, recently got to talking about a patient who is hoarding.  She shared with us how difficult it is to treat a person who hoards.  Their hoarding is so ingrained in their personality, it’s inevitable that they will sabotage their recovery process as change threatens to replace it.  It was as if she was narrating my life.  Sabotage has been part of the story of my life since college.  Being here again.  Fearfully falling back into mal-coping.  Taking so many steps forward only to take many more back.  Has a familiar ring to it.  Now more than ever, I don’t believe I’ll ever reach an optimal level of mental health.  My hope is in vain.