Waiting for today...: Again & Again: Where I Am, Part 1

Saturday, September 5

Again & Again: Where I Am, Part 1

… mood

As of mid-July, I was eight plus months removed from my last acute depressive episode. From time to time during the previous months of normalcy, my energy would get low. I also wouldn’t feel like being bothered and I admit, it would bum me out a bit. But in those moments I tried to remind myself that I’m going to have many of those moments. After all, just because a person with a chronic illness is not acutely ill doesn’t mean they are freed from their illness. For instance, a person does not stop having diabetes just because their blood sugar is well managed.

In those moments, I rode out the storm-watch the best I could. If that meant I slept all day, so be it. If it meant, well… that’s all I can manage to do when I’ve got low energy. I tried to celebrate the small things in effort to keep my mind from slipping into the darkness. I was gentle with myself. I slowed my thoughts keeping in mind that I’ve come a long way although I’ve got much ways to go. Thankfully, I didn’t have many days like that. But here I am again.

… treatment
Correction: I was eight months removed from my last “breakthrough depression”. That’s what my psychiatrist calls it. And apparently it’s normal for symptoms of depression to surface or worsen after a person has started medication. No surprise to me that these symptoms can be caused by stress or nothing at all.  Acute depression, on the other hand, is synonymous with Major Depressive Disorder, which I definitely do not have. Major Depressive Disorder is very serious and often requires hospitalization which terrifies me.  So needless to say, it’s a relief.
My doctor increased my Lamictal from 150mg to 200mg.  I don’t like the idea of having to play around with dosing.  And I dread the day that I have to change medications. Not because I don’t believe in this mode of therapy. I obviously do.  It’s mainly because of the nasty side effects of psychiatric meds.  I still haven’t had any.  Thank God!  My Celexa can’t be increased anymore thanks to the FDA.  I believe the highest dose of Lamictal is 200mg for the treatment of mood swings.  If I continue to have breakthrough depression, what then? A change in medication is inevitable I guess… if I want to approach normal.
I’m still seeing my therapist every couple of months unless I’m having “breakthrough”. My next appointment isn’t until September. I moved that appointment up once I admitted to having had another mood swing.  But then I cancelled it, choosing maladaptive coping instead.  
I don’t know when I’ll see her again.

… relationships and breakthroughs
I’ve had both minor and major breakthroughs since my last update. The minors include:
  • my admitting that I need someone to help me to keep my apartment clean
  • the need to distance myself from my bestest as the way she and her family chooses to handle the behavioral issues of her youngest breaks my heart and is mentally taxing
  • mindfulness coloring is the bomb
The major? it’s pretty darn major!
I always knew I had low self-esteem. I just hadn’t realized how severe it was and how much of an impact it had on my everyday life.  Blaming my lack of knowledge, I did some research and I came to realize that low self-esteem is the bridge between rejection and my many personality defects: awkwardness, fear, insecurity, underachievement, lack of confidence, procrastination, etc., etc. I can go on and on.
It overwhelmed me.  My heart plummeted to the pit of my stomach and it was in torment. But it was also infuriating. Yes, I once again thought about my childhood experiences, as I always do. But I thought more about children today, especially my bestests’ youngest, and how adults take for granted that they’re okay when often they are not as evidenced by the ever increasing rate of teen, and pre-teen, suicide.  And with that I took to social media.

My intention was to share what I learned about the link between self-esteem and mental health both in childhood and adulthood. Having received responses to my posts, my passion turned to frustration. The response that set me off was from a sister in Christ.  She said that she once heard a sermon asserting self-esteem is against the teachings of Christ.  So was not her that set me off.  It is the spreading of that type of faith-mingled illiteracy that perpetuates ignorance and suffering.  Annnnd the rant began.

con't to ...Part 2