Waiting for today...: Thursday the 17th: Woah!

Monday, September 28

Thursday the 17th: Woah!


I’m still in the murky pit of depression.  
I had one of my best days so far last week but now I feel like I’m going backwards.   And today, the ER staff is pissing me the f*** off!  They desperately seek the help of the case management team and then are contentious about the help we give them.  Why the f*** am I here again?
The good news?  Vacation is in about a week.  
Good news?  It’s debatable.  There’s having to pack and unpack, deal with the airport and TSA, with my mom see me in one of my darkest moods and entertain an entire week of activities.  I don’t know if I’m up for it yet.  I mean I threw $100 dollars to the wind Labor Day weekend because I didn’t have the motivation to pack an overnight bag and take a 2 ½ hour drive to Richmond.  
I have yet to make an appointment with my psychiatrist to get the results of my ADHD/ADD testing.  While a part of me is scared of the results and having to be on additional medication, a greater part of me is still pissed off that she shrugged off my need to have intermittent leave from work.
The disdain for my physical appearance rages on.  
I guess my skin is getting clearer.  I’ll continue to get fatter because my diet is s*** and my exercise habits are nonexistent.  And you know what?  I would be okay with that, for now anyways, if I had the right clothes to match my shape… and if I didn’t have acne.   I just don’t know how to put myself together.  I don’t think I ever really knew. I’ve been a poser for so long I can no longer tell.  And frankly, just thinking about how much effort it takes makes me very anxious.
I’ve thought more about death since July.
I haven’t decided whether it’s due to my recently writing about my past suicide ideations or if I really don’t mind the thought of dying.  I am tired of living this way.  At this point my life is a slow and dreadful death anyway.  The only thing I believe that’s keeping me in this world is the promise of eternal life in Jesus Christ, where there will be no pain, no suffering, no tears, no… depression.  I guess I’ve got some hope after all.