Waiting for today...: Fear of Flying

Monday, December 28

Fear of Flying

"Well some say life will beat you down... Break your heart, steal your crown..." 
Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers

I guess it’s official.  My mood has lifted.  But it’s odd though.  I don’t know how I feel about it yet.  I’m happy… of course!  I’m doing better at work.  I’m getting organized at home to the point of being able to have someone come in and give everything a good scrubbing.  And although scared shitless about taking my certification exam for a second time, I’m also hopeful that I can pass if I study on my days off.  Which I have been doing.  Consistently.

But then again I’m skeptical.  It’s a feeling I’ve felt before.  In the past it kept me paralyzed with fear.  I got past it, eventually.  This time?  Nah.  There’s no fear, just reality.  The reality that the end of a low mood swing is just the beginning of a different type of fight.   And that I can’t allow this upswing to give me false hope or make me complacent.  Nor can I risk falling back into the pit by holding myself to expectations that, while reasonable in a world where I’m not at the mercy of my mental illness, are completely unattainable otherwise: cleaning my apartment from top to bottom, spot cleaning daily to keep it from chaos, continuing my study of Matthew on days off, reading a devotional every day, praying twice a day, calling loved ones most days of the week,  having a least one lunch date per week...  

Yeah.  I’ve been here before.  Had the same conversations in my head at the end of a low.  No matter how good the pep-talk or how crystal clear the forecast,  I ended up in the same place: doing too much… pushing myself too hard… forgetting that depression doesn’t go away it just lets go for awhile… always lurking... waiting for me to forget and then BAM!  I am afraid.  I’m afraid to spread my wings; fearful that I’ll never leave the ground.  Or if I do, I’ll simply fall again.  Fail, again.  That thought in itself knocks my mood down a few notches.  So I think to myself, “why try?”.

But I'm so tired of dancing with Sabotage.  I’m over it.  So what’s my strategy this time.  What’s there left to try.  I guess to take it one day at a time.  Don’t think I’ve tried that yet.  For a dreamer that’s hard to do.  What about a free-spirit?  Something I would love to be.  They don’t allow the circumstances that surround them bring them down or change them.   How the hell would I manage to do that?  I’ve become a natural control freak; a personality flaw that is difficult to undo.  So, it’s one day at a time then.  Be easy on myself.  And non-judgemental.  But keep moving forward.

One day at a time.

Be easy on myself.


Keep moving forward.

One day at a time...