Waiting for today...: January 2016

Wednesday, January 20



There’s so much to do but I feel like my hands are tied.  I’m taking things one day at a time like I said I would and I’m getting impatient.  As I stand back though, I realize I’ve already done so much since passing my certification exam.  More in the last few weeks it seems than in the last few years!  But it just doesn’t seem like enough.  Things like getting organized, meeting writing goals, establishing a self-care regimen are not happening as quickly as I would like.  Then I remember when things happen too quickly, I get in over my head, lose control and eventually crumble under the weight and pressure.  But the above aren’t things that I have to do.  So what’s my problem?
Boy, I haven’t been in a place like this in a while.  There was always something I had to do that stopped me from doing what I wanted to do or should be doing.  Since I’ve been able to read it’s been school.  After high school there was a double had-to: find the type of employment that would enable me to attend college and afford to cover expenses that my students loans wouldn't .  Nursing school, that’s where the black dog found me.  And he brought paralyzing perfectionism with him.  Every semester there were clinicals and papers on top of the exams which were bizarrely graded.  In my senior  year we had a practicum, a group project/presentation and an individual  presentation.  On top of that?  Had to write resumes, cover letters and go on interviews.  Ugh!  The pressure.  Then graduation.  Finally.  A load off my shoulders?
Orientation.  If nursing school crippled my confidence, the first year on the floor nearly destroyed it.  Of course I still had the NCLEX to look forward to which I FAILED!  But even passing wasn’t enough to  jump start my confidence.  It was a long five years before I gave up.  It only took a measly five years to admit that I just wasn’t built for bedside nursing.  So I took a leap of faith into case management.  And while it was difficult at first and I knew I had so much to learn, it seemed to be a perfect fit.  But then dreams of excellence (not my own) put another “have-to” in my way: certification.  Haunted me for a whole two years before I FAILED!  And then… God saw fit.   So what is my problem?
Just like women with low self-esteem don’t know how to take a compliment, with all that I’ve accomplished I don’t know how to give myself credit.  The pressure is always on to prove that I am good enough.  To prove to myself that what I have accomplished is not just a fluke.  An accident.  A mistake.  

I’m in the red.  I’ll always be I guess, until I find all the blocks to build myself back up again.

One day at a time.