Waiting for today...: Sunday the 28th: IDGAF

Sunday, March 13

Sunday the 28th: IDGAF


I think I may have taken a huge leap...
toward untangling this mess called “my life”.  A strange feeling has come over me lately.  Hard to explain.  Can’t put my finger on it.  Could it be that I can’t give two shits about many things anymore?  I kinda like it.  Still getting used to it though.   

Yeah… about that...
I refuse to come in as early as 8 AM again.  Too many times I’ve had to stay an hour or two after my shift due to the dickery of the emergency department.   I will, at minimum, make every effort to come in on time.  Well, not today: worked four shifts this week.  My ass is wiped.  Whipped?  Wiped.

So what I do care about?… 
  • My mom
  • My job
  • My sanity
not in that order.  Sadly.  I haven’t been a good daughter lately.  I missed my mom’s birthday this year.  Haven’t sent her anything yet.  Not even an e-card.  I don’t even know if they still have those but that’s not the point.  I take days to answer her texts if she’s just wants to say “hi” or ask how I'm doing.  If she calls I’ll let it go to voicemail and put off checking it until I forget.  Meanwhile days have passed.  I do that with everyone these days though.  But this is mom. And her knee is getting worse.  *sigh*

I wish I didn’t care about…
my looks.  I simply can’t stop comparing myself to other people.  I see an attractive woman and think to myself “any guy I would be interested in would surely pick her over me”.   The my-personality-and-kindness-makes-me-beautiful-inside-and-out mentality squashes that thought sometimes.  But mostly I'm just reminded that my mood disorder makes my personality shit and my kindness “what kindness?”.   And this is why I choose to spend so much time in my head and away from reality: a desperate need to forget.

But I am getting a clearer picture…
of my hierarchy of needs.  Finally!  It’s only been a few years.  On average and in general my daily activities consist of the follow:
  • Job-work
  • Home-work, which is every other work not characteristic of job-work
  • Rest
  • Relaxation

  • Job-work takes up the majority of my time and constantly kicks my ass
  • Rest takes up an equal amount of time because job-work kicks my ass and it’s my second line of defense against mood swings
  • Relaxation, which is anything that feeds my soul, comes in next but not at the expense of rest
  • Home-work will have to take a back seat to all that shit until… well, I don’t know  

Sadly blogging falls under relaxation…
So I’ll be writing less this year.  This year for me will be a year of more doing some of the things I’ve been writing about.   Doing the best I can to at least, since the majority of what I do is work and rest.  Whatever it takes.  

Being easy on myself… nonjudgemental… one day at a time.