Waiting for today...: May 2017

Thursday, May 11

Can't Have Nice Things

"Finally, I was accepting and came to see the obvious: if I didn’t learn how to take care of myself, I would have no chance to enjoy life at all. At this point, I just need a little time and a lot of practice." - excerpt from Where I Am: A Time Before Fifteen

Well so much for that.  It's 3 a.m.*   And I can't sleep.  As a matter of fact, I haven't slept well for the last few days and I’m becoming unhinged.  Without a doubt it’s because my body is still fighting the gluten attack from Sunday.  I've even taken Benadryl!  Which I never do if I don't have to work.  I’m desperate now.  I was so happy and relieved when the diagnosis came down: celiac disease.  And I've felt great since being gluten-free!  But lucky me, there’s always a risk of cross-contamination and it must’ve happened.

I've lost 30 pounds the last three months or so; five pounds since Sunday. I've taken care of myself as best I could this week.  But it's so hard.  I'm almost always more exhausted than usual which is in part due to only being able to tolerate sips of clear liquids.  Equally frustrating is the fogginess that prevents me from doing things that require any amount of concentration.  That means no reading, no writing, no arithmetic, no peace.  

Just kidding about the math.  So not kidding about all the shit that I want to do that I can't: finishing my puzzle, getting through my reading list, learning more about my craft, my people, my lord & savior, being an encouragement to others like me.  I just don't have the mental or emotional stamina for anything!

Let's talk about that!  I haven't been able to take my meds consistently with these attacks.  I worry specifically about Lamictal and Effexor. Effexor I have to take with food.  Well, I haven't eaten anything since Sunday morning.  I don't have to take my Lamictal with food but, getting down that big ass chalky pill is damn near impossible right now.  

So what then?  Are my blood levels so low the medication is no longer therapeutic?  Twelve months without a major mood swing but now I fear falling.  Depression is widely known and heavily documented to eventually accompany chronic physical illness.  What's next beyond a mood swing?  I’m already content to not waking up most days.  Is ideation closer now?    

I just feel so hopeless.  Helpless.  Seems like for every step I take forward, I fall back several more.  My life is a mess again…

* Thursday, January 14th, 2017

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